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Ask Evil Princess Sara |
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 It's not easy, being a ridiculously brilliant and subtly evil princess of a small fantasy kingdom. Oh sure, on the surface it looks like a plush job, with minions, insane cackling rights, full dental insurance, and a fantastic wardrobe, but it has its downsides, believe me.
- Having to pretend to be sweet and innocent on a daily basis to throw off suspicion.
- Being hit on by every dork with a suit of black plate armor who thinks he's the next Sauron and acts like he's doing me a favor by offering to make me his Dark Empress.
- Waiting for Dad to die. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting. The man can't eat a bag of pretzels without inflicting vicious eye-pokeys on himself, and yet he's still walking around healthy as a prize chocobo. Something might have to be done about that.. .something involving iocaine powder, pink food coloring, and a package of Matoya Wonka's Impy Stix, maybe... but I digress.
The point here is that, when you've got Machiavelli's brain in Helen of Troy's body, there just isn't enough to occupy your mind between fiendish intrigues. So when Brian offered me my very own advice column, of course I jumped at the chance to dole out steaming platefuls of my demonic cunning to those less superlatively brainy than myself. It's all about giving back to the community, you know, and the PR will do wonders for my "sweet, innocent princess" act. (It also has the advantage of fooling Brian into thinking I'm letting him off the hook vis-a-vis those documents from the Wallachian Incident, but that's strictly entre nous.)
- Although my infernal genius is unsurpassed in this realm or any other, I must admit that I have no formal training in what you might call Adviceology. My resume shows a natural inclination towards commanding my inferiors and the previously mentioned infernal genius, but my diploma from Barry's Correspondence School of Villainy hasn't been completed yet (the finals are a bitch). Caveat lector, punks.
- I will not accept any responsibility one way or the other for the outcome of your acting on my advice. Think of me less as your supreme commander (for now, anyway) and more as a cunning councilor and strategist. I'm just giving you the benefit of my keen perspective...what you do with it afterward is your biz, pal.
- I reserve the right to edit your pitiful little letters for length, clarity, and correction of droolingly imbecilic grammatical errors. If I didn't already have my heart set on dominion of earth, heaven, and all the hells, I'd take up professional editing as a second career choice.
- Of course my advice will sometimes be cruel and abusive. I'm an evil overfiend of satanic intellect and mistress of sadistic torment, not Dear Abby.
With that out of the way, let's hear from our first groveling supplicants to the throne of my solomonic wisdom. To the letters!
Do you have a question for Evil Princess Sara? Drop her a line at
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