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Ask Evil Princess Sara |
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 It's time, my faithful army of readers, to make a confession. Your friend Evil Princess Sara ("friend" in this case meaning "rightful ruler of all the realms of hell and earth", of course) labors under the burden of a curse, laid upon her from the day she came by birth to the world destined to be crushed under her wantonly tyrannical heels. (Which sounds even more impressive on a resume than you think.) A curse so torturous it could drive a lesser being into the very depths of insanity. A curse that dogs my heels like Fighter after Black Mage, or Black Mage after White Mage, or White Mage after...whatever it is that virginal little hammer fetishists really want. A curse that drives nails of sanity-shattering anguish into the core of my being almost every day...or these days, at least every time I open my mailbox.
What is this curse, you ask? A simple one, but more fiendish than any that even I could create: the curse of being surrounded by people as mind-scramblingly moronic as I am astoundingly brainy. From King Steve to Garland to the Light Warriors, and finally to the drooling lobotomy ward escapees who send me letters like the ones featured in this week's column. Oh, most of your letters give me a few dry laughs, or maybe even ask of me a few seconds' worth of contemplation, true, but a certain portion of my mail comes from as ham-brained a collection of typewriting monkeys as ever touched banana-smelling paw to keyboard. You'd think that, after spending most of my life in a castle run by a man who isn't allowed to play with scissors or cut his own meat at dinner, I wouldn't be so astonished by these casual displays of utter and profound simpletonry, but if you think that, you haven't seen the contents of my inbox.
In light of all this, I guess it's a good thing I give you the house rules with every column. Here, we'll do a simplified version for the slower children in the back of the room:
- See Evil Princess Sara. Evil Princess Sara is smart. Look at the big brain on Evil Princess Sara! Oh no! Poor Evil Princess Sara! She is smart, but she has no special qualifications for being an advice columnist! But Evil Princess Sara does not care, because she is still smarter than you.
- See Evil Princess Sara give advice. See people take her advice. Evil Princess Sara likes to tell people what to do! But what people do with her advice has nothing to do with her. This is called ab-di-ca-tion of re-spon-si-bil-i-ty. Can you say ab-di-ca-tion of re-spon-si-bil-i-ty? Very good!
- See Evil Princess Sara's mail. Bad mail, bad! It is full of bad spelling and worse grammar. It is even longer than Evil Princess Sara's Evil To-Do List! See Evil Princess Sara make the mail easier to read for her column. Edit, Evil Princess Sara, edit!
- See Evil Princess Sara. Evil Princess Sara is mean, mean, mean! She will probably make fun of you and your letter. But if you did not expect this, you are even more stupid than Evil Princess Sara thinks you are. That is a lot of stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Now that the remedial reading lesson's done with, let me present to you my Showcase of Stupidity, my Theater of Tripe, my Collection of Cretins. Names have been omitted to protect the offenders, much to my dismay.
"Dear Evil Princess Sara,
If you are such a brilliantly evil being why didn't you wait to be kidnapped by Garland in FF9 since he is much more powerful then.
Person who thinks your a proffesional nitwit"
Because we all know that being kidnapped is voluntary, even desirable, and nobody ever wants to escape. You're simply nobody until you've been held ransom for half your father's kingdom and your hand in marriage. The Cornerian Crier has a special page of their personals section just for kidnapper/kidnappee ads. Mine read:
"PRINCESS PEACH IN NEED OF A BOWSER
Are you my King of Koopas? Single white princess ISO omnipotent kidnapper for fun, frolic, mild torture. Inescapable fortress a must, non-smokers only. Send courier pigeon or other familiar with reply to Corneria Castle, ask for Sara."
..Moron. I didn't sign up to be kidnapped, Dr. Wily, and more importantly, I'm 8-bit, not 32- or 128-. Porting myself to the FF9 universe would be like sending Pac-Man into Metal Gear Solid 2.
"Dear Sara,
Over the past few weeks you have rejected numerous male suitors. My question is simple. Are you attracted to women"
This is the kind of guy who uses a Black Mage pickup line on you and doesn't
understand why you laugh in his face instead of giving him head or your phone number. Only in your pathetically stunted dreams, Cletus. Back to your box of tissues and the Spice channel.
"Dear Evil Princess Sara,
I am here to piss you off. It's not like I wanted to, but there is this thing about how you put a period after the abbreviation for doctor in Dr Pepper(in a response to a statement) whereas there should not be one(the conspiracy that only fighter realizes). Now unless you are secretly Brian Clevinger you wouldn't have messed up, EPS(Evil Princess Sara). Just a reminder this is to piss you off. Hope you are!"
Right. Grammar lessons from someone who apparently thinks the spacebar is that cantina in Mos Eisley. Nice try but no banana, little monkey.
"Dear Evil Princess Sara:
I have a problem, I went out today to get a copy of "Lord of The Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" Like any normal fan, I plan to buy two copies of each movie, one to watch and one to enshrine for all time. to keep in my room, under lock and key, surrounded by candles, posessions, and human hearts...(Prrrecioussss...) ANYwho, I found that they have 2 distinctive types; widescreen and full screen. I plan to buy 2 fellowships 2 two towers and 2 Return of the King. Should I buy 1 fullscreen and one widescreen? should I buy 2 of each? what about the special release in November?! Should I torch the building because they DIDN'T HAVE A FUGGIN
WIDESCREEN COPY LEFT???!!!...(It haaasss our preciousss and we wanntss it
back!!)..."
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Amazing Perma-Virgin. I'd ask you to give the boy a hand, but something tells me he's already done it for you, if you know what I mean.
"Dear Evil Princess Sara (You FREAK!!!!!!),
My friends are annoying me... I want to hit them for entertainment. Should I?
Talcum
Powder!!!!!!!!
You
did
NOT
just
hear
that!!!
What
should
I
do?
~THE ALMIGHTY ME
HATES YOU!!!!!!!
:p?"
This has been a public service announcement by the Foundation for the Prevention of Aerosol Inhalant Abuse.
The next specimen in this exhibit started out by mailing me a perfectly normal letter asking my opinion on the superiority of either the Zelda or Final Fantasy series of games. Possibly a trifle silly thing to have asked, considering that I obviously have a certain bias, but otherwise a perfectly normal letter from a perfectly normal reader.
And then they sent me this:
>Subject: Fwd: Missing Child. We need your Help!
>Date: Sun, 25 Aug 2002 00:25:08 -0400 (EDT)
>
>read plz take the time its not a joke read
>
>http://community.webtv.net/BlueDragonChaser/
WELCOMETOJONATHANS"
And then this:
"tomorrow is national smack ass day if u break this chain u will never have a b/f or g/f again butt if u pass it to 15 poeple with in 10 minutes u can smack any 1s ass u want!! and you CANT send this back to the person who send u it to you!!!! good luck!!!"
And then this, with a completed survey:
>>Okay, here's what you're supposed to do. Copy (NOT FORWARD) this email and
>>paste it onto a new email that you will send. Change the subject so it
>>doesn't say forward or change it to make it seem like REAL e-mail. Change
>>all the answers so that they apply to you then send this to a whole bunch
>>of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is
>>that you will learn a lot of little facts about your friends. Remember to
>>send yours back to the person who sent it to you. (ALSO: if your a girl
>>fill in the parts on guys and vice-versa) HERE WE GO...
>>"
And then this poem, excerpted here (because it goes on for ten more stanzas), with an attached petition of, oh, a few 500 names or so:
"I went to a party, And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom So I had a sprite
instead.
I felt proud of myself, The way you said I would, That
I didn't drink and drive, Though some friends said I
should. .... "
Since when do I strike anyone as the kind of person who gives a flying moogle-mating about any of this crap? I'm your rightwise born tyrant for life, not your AIM buddy EvlPrncssQT4590468408.
While we're on the subject of spam, Evil Princess Sara would like to make it clear that she is emphatically uninterested in the following:
- Which Incredibly Pointless Online Quiz Made For and By People Who Should Really Get Out More if They Have This Much Time on Their Hands Are You?
- VillainSupply.com
- the Evil Overlord list
- Ninja Dispatch
- eCrush or any similar programs e-cards of any kind
And for those of you for whom my third column was apparently too subtle, I'll repeat its message in a way you'll better understand: EVIL PRINCESS SARA DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE ROMANTIC PROPOSALS FROM ANYONE; NOT FROM MEN, WOMEN, OR ASSORTED OTHERS; NOT FROM RED MAGE, BLACK BELT, GARLAND, ELITE GUARD HANK, BLACK MAGE, THIEF, WHITE MAGE, MATOYA, GARLAND, THE IMPS, OR ANY OF MY 8-BIT CASTMATES; NOT FROM MOVIE, GAME, ANIME, TELEVISION, NOVEL, OR COMIC CHARACTERS; AND FOR THE LOVE OF LIT-3, ESPECIALLY NOT FROM YOUR ROLEPLAYING CHARACTER. TRESPASSERS WILL BE BRUTALLY IGNORED.
Ahem. All clear, my minions?
Off to taunt King Steve with a Chinese finger trap for a few cheap laughs,
Evil Princess Sara
Do you have a question for Evil Princess Sara? Drop her a line at
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