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Ask Evil Princess Sara |
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 It appears that some of you, my minging myriads, are a trifle confused as to just how this advice column thing works. It's understandable, of course, since you're only mere peasants after all - humanoid herd animals who desperately require the white-hot cattle prod of properly tyrannical governance - so just this once I'll overlook your nigh-sacrilegious insolence in questioning me and explain. I'm Evil Princess Sara, and because nature has made me innately superior to you, the canaille, I'm the one who advises you, not the other way around. It's a stone-simple concept that even the lowliest chocobo-herder in the realm can grasp as firmly as he grasps his dunging fork, and yet clearly it's gone way over the pointy little skulls of the authors of the letters featured in this week's column. Between this column and the last, I'm beginning to wonder about your collective intellectual health, my corps of cannon fodder. Try reading some books without pictures of bunnies in them and send me something a cut above this sort of thing next time, comprendez-vous?
By now you ought to understand these simple rules, but if you're all as clueless as that, I'd better make sure by repeating them for you:
- I, Evil Princess Sara, being of fantastically keen mind and smokin' hot pixilated body, have vested in me by the Elder Gods the most indescribably supreme grey matter ever to think and therefore be...but they forgot to make me a certified and bona fide advice-atrician while they were at it. "Perspicacity" may be my middle name (King Steve got the baby naming book confused with the thesaurus, apparently), but "Degree-holding Graduate of the Esther Lederer Memorial University" isn't, thank Tiamat.
- Responsibility for what you do with the advice I give you, for good or for bad, is like a particularly heinous venereal disease: you've got it, I don't want it, and if you try to inflict it upon me I'll have you flogged with a cat o' nine made of rusty razor wire and box cutter blades.
- Your letters may be edited for length, clarity, and grammar. Don't say I never did you any favors - disguising your grotesquely stunted literary comprehension skills on top of solving your picayune little troubles is more than you deserve.
- Call your mother if you want the milk of human kindness, because all you're getting from me is the black bile of scorn and derision.
Let's hope you were paying more attention this time. Now hang on to your blue kryptonite, because it's time to make the trip to Bizarro World. Me am so happy!
"Dear Evil Princess Sara,
While I must applaud a young woman who -- so aggressively -- undermines the socially prescribed gender norms of our medieval-style, 8-bit world by being
intelligent, thoughtful, and, well, thoroughly evil, I feel obligated to point out the ultimate futility of your endeavors. Your longing for power is ultimately self-defeating, because, as Michel Foucault has demonstrated in his works such as Power/Knowldege and Discipline and Punish, power resides not in individuals, nor even in positions or titles, but rather in structures. Thus, you will never be able to "gain" power the way you might gain Fighter's sword or Garland's castle, because power is something that always already acts on you and through you; it defies ownership. In fact, the constraining nature of power ensures that the higher a position you think you occupy, the less free and, paradoxically, the less powerful you are. You would be wise to consider a life of quiet reflection, rather than one of constant scheming and machiavellian maneuvering. If what I have said interests you, please
feel free to visit me in my castle and I'll be happy to elimin...er, stab...er, converse with you. Yeah, that's the ticket...
Sincerely,
Evil Princess Stefanie"
First of all, "Evil Princess" Stefanie, is it? *coughposeurcough*. Secondly, the idea of a bluestocking little milquetoast like you attempting physical violence on the person of an invincible sword goddess like myself is almost as farcical as it is suicidal. If it wouldn't result in my being swamped with letters from the sexually incompetent calling for a catfight, I'd welcome you to, as they say in the parlance of high school cheerleading comedies, bring it on. As it is, I suppose I'll settle for tearing your little letter to shreds in much the manner I would otherwise do with your still-pulsing vital organs.
Because as with most academicians and their reams and reams of literary mouth drippings, Foucault's ideas sound great on paper and fall flatter than White Mage's chest in reality...specifically when it comes to the "system" of that traditional favorite, the good old-fashioned art of blackmail. There's no bureaucratic structure, no Peter principle dangling overhead like the red Swingline stapler of Damocles...just you, those incriminating documents, the mark, and a potential lifetime of exploitation.
...Isn't that right, Mr. Clevinger?
"Dear Evil Princess Sara,
You seem rather fixated on taking over a nation and then subverting the rest of the world through military might. That play has been run by Xerxes, Alexander the Great, Napoleon, various Caesars, Hitler... the list is endless. It has worked for NO ONE. EVER. Now before you point out that YOU can do it because you're smarter than all those GUYS who FAILED, please keep in mind that they thought the exact same thing at the beginnings of their campaigns. I cite the case of Pride vs. Fall.
Furthermore, while gloating and shaking your iron fist in the air must be a lot of fun, you might as well paint a bull's eye on your forehead while you're at it. That guy in FF8 choked, granted, but who's to say that someone who wanted you dead wouldn't hire a hideously evil female assassin who would be immune to your hypnotizing beauty? I advise that you keep a lower profile. You'll live longer.
The way to take over the world is economically. I do not recommend that you start a business; it would be far more expedient to simply seduce someone who has a lot of money and power already, then work him like the damn puppet he is...from behind the scenes, of course. I know that you don't like the male dominance thing, but I'm sure that you can understand that a male figurehead/body shield would be at least very useful. Hell, it's only the appearance of male dominance, anyway.
Finally, I would like to state that I have absolutely no Machiavellian schemes in place that would cause me to benefit in any way from you taking over the world. In no event will I work your strings while you are busy working someone else's. It's not like I can pull that kind of thing off, anyway.
Sincerely,
Gratiano, Antediluvian of Clan Lasombra"
Ah, Grandpa Munster, you're really showing your advanced age (and silly me, I thought there were only a few Antediluvians confirmed to still be in existence, but it seems every little school scapegoat who can get his mommy to buy him a black velvet trenchcoat at the mall is laying claim to the title...but you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?) with this letter. First there's the blunt chauvinism in your third paragraph. I know time can really get away from you during those long dust naps, but times have changed since your day, when all a girl was expected to do was lie back and think of Transylvania when the ultimate date rapist clamped onto her neck. Buffy Summers is au courant; Lucy Westenra went out with gaslight and bustles. Sisters, as they say, are doin' it for themselves.
Secondly, there's the final paragraph: lay off the bloodwine before you write, will you, Louis du Veuve Cliquot? I can't make heads or tails out of your intentions there. Either you mean to say that you will not work as but one of my untold legions of nameless minions when I come to power (and what, my dear little deer tick in Dracula drag, makes you imagine I'd want you?), or more amusingly, you mean that you will refrain from manipulating me into unwittingly acting in your interests -- but there's no way of telling which, the way you've written it. Just between us, though, let's just say I'm not exactly concerned. I suspect your threats and your bite are equally as toothless.
And really - a vampire giving advice on how to best become an unstoppable force of evil? It seems to Evil Princess Sara that a creature who can be destroyed just by opening a window on a sunny day is in no position to claim expert status in the field of invulnerability.
"Dark Lady Sara,
[...and the eyerolling begins. - EPS]
In the interest of quickly helping your aspirations I shall dispense with the pleasantries and flattery. I have found a way for you to fulfill all of your dreams of global conquest! You must become an Arisen! This will grant you eternal life, domination over the mortal ‘cattle’ of the world with your compelling will, as well as granting unto you enough power to enforce your own laws and punishments. And as an Arisen you will be able to pick the perfect man and make him your obedient and unquestioningly loyal follower by means of creating a blood bond with him. Another benefit of becoming an Arisen would be everlasting youth and dark magic ability.
Over time you would be able to make your dark magic abilities far more potent until you became strong enough to create an unstoppable undead army. People from around the world would abase themselves at your feet and beg for positions among your followers. You must only find an Arisen willing to impart the gift unto you and knowing your great beauty and willpower I am sure that shall be no hard task.
-- Count Regares Krieger
P.S.: an Arisen would be a vampire, NOT some type of neo-Nazi Aryan. Make sure you know that. We vampires don't like being confused with psychopathic FREAKS. We're just evil, not sick."
Of course you are, sweetheart. You're very, very evil, in that way that you're actually not, with all that fruity Ricean posturing and highly unoriginal pretensions of Bavarian aristocracy. We get scarier things than you trick-or-treating at the castle gates on Halloween night, pal. You don't know what evil is until you've seen a Great Pede with a witch's hat on begging for another handful of Bit-o-Honeys.
I find your denial of any potential white supremacy very interesting, given that chosen surname of yours and the overall skin tone of vampires in general. Outside of Blade and Blacula, when's the last time you saw an Undead Person of Color? And no, Michael Jackson doesn't count.
"Dear Evil Princess Sara:
I am Belldandy, Goddess First Class, Unlimited, Second Category.
I have been reading your advice column and notice the detestation and viciousness the dwells in your heart. There is more to the world than absolute power. Believe me, I know.
You really should find yourself a selfless and compassionate person to share your life with. Like my Keiichi-san! I cannot even begin to describe the joy in seeing the love of my life smiling at everything I do. He means the world to me!
There are Goddesses in Heaven who are total career women like you. But when I look into the depth of their eyes, I can see regret and the desire for a second chance at the past. For status and power, they gave up much –
including happiness.
The secret of life is not about conquering a planet, achieving immortality, or becoming omnipotent. Life is about joy: seeing it in others and yourself.
Please change your ways, Evil Princess Sara. Kamisama is not happy with the path you have chosen.
Hoping to see Good Princess Sara,
Belldandy"
Oh, go cram it in your HappyCake Oven, June Cleaver. Maybe you're satisfied being a domestic slave to some limpwristed college boy who secretly reads his mother's stash of Harlequins, but some of us have higher ambitions than baking the best darn meatloaf in all Pleasantville for Ward, Wally, and the Beav. Of course you have to tell yourself that "career women" can't possibly be as happy as you are - I'd bet that's the only thing that keeps you from lacing those fabulous three-course dinners with a little powdered Drano sometimes. But whether you like it or not, Barbara Eden, there are more ways of finding happiness in the world than getting the toilet porcelain sparkling clean and lemon fresh...for the man of the house to poop on. And while we're on the subject of your lord and master, here's a tip: replace your Hoover with a Hitachi Magic Wand, because I'm betting the only time "Keiichi-san" has any power between his legs is when he's straddling that motorcycle.
As for your Kamisama, tell her I'll be a little more worried about her opinion of me the minute she manages to do something a little more godlike than playing yenta to a sexually stunted underclassman and an I Dream of Jeannie knockoff bimbo.
Finally, I think the writer of this last letter is trying to give me some advice, but it's a little hard to tell. Could Evil Princess Sara have received her own version of the Expremental Uppnas? Read on and decide for yourselves.
"Dear mistress
(forgive my "cornerian" you may understand that as you
dominate the world you start to get yourself minions
whose main language is different from yours , and while
i do understand that besides cornerian you are well
vesed in german , french and italian i cannot just
suppose you can speak portuguese too , unless you do and
is fighter the great problem to the creation of a
portuguese 8 bit theater.. anyway)
i cannot hope that you'll publish this letter on your
hebdo-speech to your people , for my letter is not a
question but an statement
i , as a loyal minion and great fan of yours , am very
dissapointed:
your hebdo-speech known as "ask EVP" , starded out
brilliant , intelligent with cunning humor and all the
things tha made me yearn every week for more
but my for my sad surprise your last ASK evp was...
laconic , small , simple , tasteless
like you were abducted or like you were in a temporary
lack of creativity...
and that worries me of course..
while is perfectly normal that a lowly human being such
as red mage or fighter or brian , indulge some ups and
downs of humour and creativity after all they're not
creation machines
i never figured my sovereign as someone who could fall
in such frailty
its the fault of the fast food chain?
i dont mean to provoke or harras my favorite illuminati
dominatrix i'm just worried! will the cunning sarcastic
girl we all learned to love come back or that change is
for good?
as a side note
profiting that i am writing to you already may i say
that i do fear that red mage STARTED out his hebdo -
speech over the villain touch of the same fast food
conpiracy that got their finger over my beloved future
queen? because his answers were not on the level one
would wait from such scholar (or maybe it is his
personality after all his charisma isnt the highest)
and BRIAN!! , while his everlasting creativity is up and
kicking as his comic shows very well, (ops maybe thats
a sign he is with them..) i fear that brien may face the
wrath of some gigantic softhouse that will remain
nameless.. why??? well while his comic is nohing to
worry about in a court , and while my knowledge of laws
is very very small , i do think the material he sells in
cafe press will be legal only when you rule the world...
but maybe i am wrong , thats none of my business anyway
and if your highness is wondering why do i talk about
those two with you while i could mail them....
i am pretty sure that while youre not yet world leader
you are the 8 bit theater leader! so , you have
responsability over your minions (unless you are like
your father for that matter , but i doubt as your
intelligence surpass his , by... MUCH , very much...)
thank you for your time
and remeber EPS , that just one's opinion as a fan and
minion nothing more
malk'zameth"
To which I can only reply, in your native tongue: "You, gentleman, it wastefulness is one pathetic of sperm and the egg. Rambling does not satisfy pester me with any more letters, idiotic."
Ate mais tarde,
Evil Princess Sara
Do you have a question for Evil Princess Sara? Drop her a line at
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