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Twinkin' Out 29: Superfight II |
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So I asked a difficult thing of you. I asked for a bard twink. I understand that the bards have little to no class specific skills except for bardic music. That was the idea. I get a dozen Monk twinks every day, but I wanted something different. I wanted to make you think. What I got was a bunch of confused letters, people writing in a daze asking me if I was serious, if I knew the impossible task I had set before them. Then they gave me their submissions. The vast majority of them involved multi-classing in some fashion and then twiking out the second class while ignoring the bard. I'm sorry but your level 1 bard/ level 5 monk with the incredible flying kick damage wasn't what I was looking for. Of the dozens of people who sent stuff in only a few got close and only one captured my attention enough to put him here. I liked this one because it relied entirely upon what a bard is in concept, rather than what a bard is on paper (if that makes any sense). Also the match-ups were fantastic. Within 12 hours I had over 150 letters. I feel sorry that my schedule precluded me from reading them all. I picked the best from what I did read and now we'll talk about them here. I'm sure each response will generate a truck load of corrections or insults. OK enough of my prattling, here we go!
Dear Red Mage,
As soon as I saw your request for a Bard twink, I had load up hotmail and tell you about my Bard! What's he based on? The power of Suggestion! Goal! (that'd make sense if you've ever seen Harry Hill).
Obviously if I wanted to go with it, I'd have to focus on enchantment, and I'd noticed a feat in Song and Silence that I just had to go for. Alluring. It gives a +2 bonus to Diplomacy and to the DCs of your mind-affecting language-dependant spells. Unfortunately it requires you to take Persuasive (+2 to Bluff and Intimidate) and Trustworthy (+2 to Diplomacy and Gather Information) first. Which was annoying, but it's fine since they're all very useful skills. So I took those two at 1st level (I was Human) and then at 3rd level, I took Spell Focus (enchantment) since all mind affecting language-dependent spells are enchantment spells. Then at 6th level take Greater Spell Focus (enchantment) and at 9th level take Alluring. Disguise Spell at level 12 wouldn't be a bad choice either ;)
As for skills, be sure to maximise Bluff, Diplomacy, Sense Motive, Perform and at least 5 ranks in Knowledge (nobility and royalty) and, if possible, Knowledge (History). The ranks in the knowledge are simply for the synergy they provide to diplomacy and bardic knowledge checks, respectively. But bear in mind that the synergy bonuses from knowledge are only in 3.5. Now, by 4h level, with a Charisma of 18, you'd have a +19 bonus to Diplomacy checks, pretty darn good for getting people to like you, especially shopkeepers ;)
However, the more important thing twinkwise is spells. At 4th level, you get 6 0-level spells, 3 1st-level spells and 2 2nd-level spells. The 0-level spells aren't too important, you can pick those for yourself, although if you want to use Sleep be sure to take Lullaby. Anyway, at 1st-level you should take Charm Person and optionally Tasha's Hideous Laughter (lasts 1 round a level now, but it's only 1st-level if you're in 3.5), Cure Light Wounds (I was stuck without a cleric, and it's useful to be able to do it yourself anyway), Disguise Self (mostly if you can't afford the ranks in the skill, and since you ought to be up to some very suspicious activities with such high Bluff and Diplomacy skills), Identify (always useful) or Sleep. As for the all-important 2nd-level spells, take Suggestion (fun for all) and Enthrall (the perfect distraction). You should be able to come up with how to use them, but convincing a large group of people to listen to your opinions on why the sky is blue with Entrall makes a good distraction while your friends break into and subsequently ransack a house, or to merely help your rogue friend sneak past a couple of guards. Suggestion is useful for pretty much anything from selling an item for ridiculous prices, convincing a guard to let you off of a crime, or convincing an adversary that he is clearly out-matched and should surrender (which worked quite well when an Assassin came after me and I managed to find out who employed him, and get a written confession). I've also used Suggestion to convince the two main fighters in my party that were under a fear effect to find their courage and charge the demon that caused it (requiring them to fail their save and me to win the opposed charisma check against the demon).
However, the full twinkiness of this doesn't quite reach full effect until you reach 7th level when you take Glibness. It's a new spell in 3.5 that lasts 10 minutes per level and gives you a +30 to bluff checks when you lie and helps you against magical detection of said lies by means of a caster level check from the person using Discern Lies or whatever other magical means. Your other should probably be Lesser Geas if you can fit it. At this point, your Diplomacy bonus should be +22 and your Bluff bonus should be +16. Here's where the fun comes in, as you realise that you can increase your Bluff bonus to +46 and get away with murder.
In fact, at this point, you can also use suggestion through your bardic music and by using the rules in the epic level handbook that allow you to instill a suggestion in someone if you give them a +50 bonus to their Sense Motive check (sure they've got a higher bonus than you do, but a Circlet of Persuasion, or an Eagle's Splendour spell can help out, and don't forget that you can do this as much as you want whilst Glibness lasts). As for Lesser Geas, well sending someone on a quest to buy some magic items for you or getting an adversary to forget about killing you and go to some place halfway across the world won't cause any harm... to you :) Although it should be pointed out that Lesser Geas won't stop someone from trying to kill you immediately, but a Suggestion could get him started on his new quest and Lesser Geas can keep him on it. Just remember that this twink will have your Suggestion, Enthrall and Lesser Geas spells at a DC of 22 by level 9 (if you're in normal 3rd Edition) or a DC of 19 if you remember that the benefits granted by Spell Focus have been lowered to +1 instead of +2. However, the plans you can execute with this combination of enchantment spells are endless. For example, I'm currently planning to make a nice sum of money by using Nystul's Magic Aura on some masterwork weapons, using Glibness, Suggestion and Diplomacy to sell them at 'great' prices and of course using Disguise Self so that no one will be coming after me once they realise the weapons aren't magical at all.
A dedicated column-reader,
Matthew Rihan
And now for the letters...
"Wise Mage of the Color of Blood and Most Kool-Aid...
1)Magneto vs. Dr. Polaris
2)Thanos vs. Galactus
3)Professor Xavier vs. Oracle...WHEELCHAIR MADNESS!!
4)The Crow vs. Mr. Sinister (both have this power to regenerate after being shot a bunch)
5)Two greatest villians of their respective universe in my opinion, Dr. Doom vs. The Joker.
6)Wonder Woman vs. Thor...both Gods or made by Gods...
7)Aquaman vs. Namor...I don't know why, I hate both.
8)And Finally, the question most fanboys really wanna know...what's your take on the classic Batman vs. Superman...no holds barred...but also no interference. Your answers shall provide enlightenment to my otherwise knowledgeless life.
-He who Worships All Mages, especially of the Black and Red persuasion"
 1. Magneto all the way. Dr. Polaris wasted his time studying and getting a doctorate while Magneto was crushing nation-states under his self rightous boot!
2. I'm reasonably certain this happened in an issue of Silver Surfer or something. I'm sure Galactis can win that fight. I would like to take this opportunity to say that I am incapable of readin Silver Surfer for any extended period of time. His incessant whining drives me up the wall. He's the universes only interstellar goth.
3. If oracle can close the gap fast enough she can lay down the hurt on Xavier's frail nerdy form. But that's the catch, isn't it? she has to get close. Xavier can shut her down from half a world away. I think the world's most powerful telepath is going to walk away with this one.
4. I can't think of Mr. Sinister without picturing him as a mincing, boy hungry, pedophile. Pedophiles need to die, there's no news there. But the Crow is so obviously goth, and goths need to die or at least get a savage beating as well. I'd say that an unruly mob kills them both. Also the Crow can obvioulsy die from a gunshot wound.
5. The joker opens up the match with a friendly handshake, complete with concealed joy buzzer, Dr. Doom opens up the fight by OBLITERATING THE JOKER!! He is Doom! Doom triumphs over all!
6. Thor wins because he can own land and vote.
7. They fought, Aquaman won. I always liked them both, you have to understand that they have to rule an undersea kingdom, and maintain peace with the landdwellers that keep dumping toxins into the water and on top of that they have to fight nazis and supervillians and junk. They're allowed to be a little gruff and annoying.
8. Batman. he keeps doing it over and over again, how many more examples do you need?
"Dear (insert over-long and now overused joke in which I describe the color
you wear in long flowing words instead of just saying "red") Mage,
Who would win in this fight: Michael Moore vs. Rush Limbaugh
Nathan T."
Rush would never hear Mike coming, Mike scores an early win over rush but then chokes to death on his own inflated self worth.
"Wassup my man of the ruby magics,
I was wondering who you think would win in a shootout at high noon. John Wayne, my man the duke, or would it be Clint Eastwood? Figure it out for me mage man.
Peace and shibby
Zephyr Firethorn "
I imagine Clint would get bored waiting for John to thaw and would wander away. Hours later when John regains consiousness he's shocked into a heart attack by the "flying metal birds" and "computational machines". So Clint wins by default.
"To Red Mage, the greatest mage in all the lands... and space to.
Ok. My friends and I have been arguing about this fight for ages now, and I want the twink masters opinion in this fight... Who would win between: Snake Solid VS. Mr.T? Seriously, we need to know?
Thanks,
Razer Runeman"
Mr. T would throw Snake helluva far. Then his van would run him over.
"Hey, Found your column last week and just finished reading them all today. Saw your request for match ups, and thought that some Transformers match ups would be fun. So here's a few TF inspired matchups:
1.) Unicron vs. Galactus (TF movie Unicron before he lost his body, not Armada.) World-devourer vs. World-devourer.
2.) War Within Grimlock vs. Generation 2 Megatron Bad-ass futurisitic tank vs. Cobra-remade Decepticon commander as a tank.
3.) Super Optimus Primal vs. Powermaster Optimus Prime
4.) Blaster vs. Soundwave Lotsa tapes...
5.) Metroplex vs. Fortress Maximus
Signed,
A TF Fan"
1. Galactus again, he survived the end of his universe and the birth of ours. He can do anything, even out dunk Mike.
2. I like tanks. I really can't call this one. Grimlock is all kinds of strong and durable, Megatron is so cold and calculating and can easily out think Grimlock and the other tank is just too cool to die. They fight to a standstill and then go attack some other foe, like the winner of our next matchup.
3. Optimus would totally win tha fight.
4. Blaster rhymes and was voiced by Scatman Crothers. Rhyming people are always right. But Soundwave was voiced by the guy who did Dr. Claw and he has Ravage and Laser beak. It's a tough call. I think I'll have to go with Blaster. The rhyming wins out in the end. Also he won the last time they fought in the cartoon.
5. my memory is a little hazy but I recall Fortress Maximus being bigger. Also his toy was more expensive. He wins.
"O.k., I've got a match that I'd like you to referee. Except it's not a fight, but a contest to end all other contests! An eating contest between two of the console worlds most prominent gourmands. Kirby vs. Yoshi Now, Kirby (ala Kirby Super Star) has a lot going for him. He can suck in limitless amounts of food and swallow them in a matter of seconds. Also, most things he eats give him super powers. And, best of all, anything he doesn't swallow can be spit out in the form of a damaging star. Yoshi (ala Super Mario World), however, is no slouch. While he can only eat one item at a time, he can move while he's eating. This 'run and gun' strategy is bound to be nearly as effective in the long run. Also, Yoshi can gain some powers from eating certain foes - but it is few and far between. However, Yoshi does have a trick which levels the playing field. By eating certain berries (Red, Pink, and Green) Yoshi will gain certain powers (Laying an egg which hatches an item, Creating a cloud which rains coins which can turn into extra lives, and finally manipulation of time itself!). These two titans certainly seemed matched to me, and I'm wondering if you could provide some insight as to who would win such a contest. Much Thanks, Matthew Turner "
Kirby metabolizes everything into star shaped energy while Yoshi still has to digest things the old fashioned way. God made Kirby the laughing stock of the world but compensated by making him an eating machine. He wins.
"Red Mage,
Who would win-Ronald Regan or Christopher Walken?
S.T."
Wha? Why would they EVER fight? Christopher Walken wins because he can call upon his master, the dark lord satan, in times of need and the most Regan can do is vaugly recall that once lived in a big white house.
"Dear Red Mage,
I have ten ideas for matchups that need officiating. They are kind of weird and varied, but I hope you like 'em.
1. Magneto Vs. Electro. Matchup of the Electromagnetic!
2. The Avengers Vs. The Justice League of America. Matchup of the...boring teams!
3. Merlin Vs. Gandalf. Matchup of super-mages who mostly just...you know, guide people.
4. Buffy Vs. Xena. Matchup of "strong, positive role models for women."
5. Clint Eastwood from Unforgiven Vs. Clint Eastwood from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Gunslingers galore.
6. King Arthur Vs. President Kennedy. This is just because Kennedy talked about his administration being the return of Camelot.
7. Gandhi Vs. Martin Luther King, Jr. Non-violence resistance tested to the limit!
8. Isaac Asimov Vs. Robert Heinlein. You know you'd love to see this one.
9. Patton Vs. MacArthur. Great American WWII Generals face off!
10. John Ritter Vs. Johnny Cash. Because they both died recently.
Well, hope you pick my matchups!
Sato Vrodsky."
1. Magneto wins because he's fighting a spiderman villian. Spiderman villians are lame and have no long term goals.
2. It's being published as we speak, let's wait and see.
3. Well Gandalf strikes me as a Christ figure and I'm currently being swamped by christ figures in my entertainment. Neo, John Conner (JC!), Spock, Superman, the list goes on and on. So I'm going to be biased against Gandalf and say Merlin. Besides, Merlin was in Gargoyles, what's Gandalf ever done?
4. Buffy. Xena looks like she ran face first into a brick wall. Also all of her villians are cartoonish at best. Buffy fights real horrors from beyond. I guess. I never watched either show. I'm not a 14 year old girl. By that same token I didn't see Spirit: Stallion of the Cinnimon or whatever. Not that that's in any way relevant.
5. Didn't I just answer this? Clint from the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, it had a better soundtrack and Clint's name was Blondie though he had nary a blonde hair on his head. That alone nets himt he win.
6. Wow, JFK. The most killable man in history! Everybody apparently assassinated that man! The CIA, the Freemasons, the Mafia, the FBI, LBJ, The Teamsters, Castro, etc. King Arthur wins it easily. And if not him then Merlin gets him with a magic bullet from the book depository.
7. If Mahatma Ghandi was known for anything, it was revenge! He tears Kings heart out but doesn't eat it because he's on a hunger strike.
8. Asimov and Heinlein awaken from the dead, after erassimilating Asimov finds out about the Asimo, sues Honda for the rights and mass produces them, armed with a legion of robots not bound by the three laws of robotics, the Earth is easily swept clean by fire. Heinlein dies in the first wave.
9. Why would they ever fight when the threat of the ratzi troops are ever present?
10. Jonny Cash barges in on John Ritter who is in a compromising position with Cash's wife. Ritter tries to explain that it was all a wacky misunderstanding but then Cash takes out one of his many firearms and blows Ritter away. Then Harry Goz shows up, pops a Stimutax and psychoflexes Cash's brain to pulp. First from the inside, then from the outside.
Heh. That was fun and bound to provoke convorsation and debate. Please leave me out of it. Let's do this again in a few months. Next week's twik should be a Psionic. Also more celebrities that I hate and hope die soon: Julia Roberts and all of Metallica. Thank you and good night.
Do you have a
geeky question for Red Mage? Drop him a line at
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