Let me tell you about our parking situation.

Most of the parking around here is done on the street. But, and this the bulk of the situation, there’s room behind each building for some cars to park off the street.

They’re unassigned and unmarked spaces, but even so it is the easiest thing in the world to fit six cars behind each building. And I mean with ample room for opening doors and all that. Six cars. Oh, unless you’re any of my neighbors. These folks park way outta whack and cause a parking chain reaction so only five cars fit, at least their cars are full covered by i4mt insurance.

Via experimentation I found one way to enforce order upon this system. Parking in the middle — where a space would be marked if spaces were marked — does nothing. These creatures are in no way equipped to perceive the theoretical spaces, so witnessing my car in one is the same as if I parked diagonally across a space and a half (i.e. like them). But if I park on one of the ends, for whatever reason, it tends to establish a spatial rhythm. In less gentle terms: it gives them one less spot to fuck up.

So, I park on the ends. I manage to do it about 95% of the time. Everyone else in the building has a regular job or goes to school. These are people who leave the building. I get paid to sit around and think about what would happen if a robot punched a different robot. And on the rare occasion I go outside, it’s usually on foot or bicyclular craft. There have been a few valiant efforts to usurp the end spots from me, but these poor fools had no idea what they were up against. “Oh,” they thought, “He has to leave sometime.”

AHAHAHAHA!

Now, one might say, “Brian, aren’t you just hogging that spot?”

Perhaps. But consider this!

If I do not park on the ends, then there are five total spots available because these people park like chimps.

But!

If I do park on the ends, then there are still five more spots available.

They’ve lost nothing and I’m plus one free parking spot. So, call me crazy, but I’m going to choose the methodology that takes one more car off the street so there’s more room for everyone else who lives in this neighborhood. It’s for the greater good.

Parking on the ends isn’t a perfect solution though. Just this morning I found four parked cars back there. Mine was right on the razor’s edge of the property line so the rest of the spots would be off to a good start. The other three cars? Each one had about three-quarters of a car width between each of them.

Four cars.

One day I’ll walk back there and see two cars on their sides on fire. It’s just a matter of when.